February
14th june
Loads of learning and expansion in ways of relating to
others and myself.
Sexually I was challenged, feeling attraction to people in
my community and a big desire to be touched and share physical intimacy. Being
here though, with all the many different aspects of community living - sharing space, having limited privacy,
learning and working together, time for personal growth – it seemed unwise to
start sexual relationships and putting energy into sex when so much else is
much more exciting and beneficial for myself and others. I really appreciated
having Mateo to share this with, exploring this conversation allowed that
energy to flow and opened up possibilities to direct it to something else and
to other opportunities to meet those needs. Mateo shared the erotic book that
he found and on the morning of 14th of February I had to bring out
my matress to dry because I had successfully enjoyed an orgasm without using
any vibrator. It was truly empowering and fucking awesome.
A deep appreciation of this well-structured app-program, of
how much thought and consideration that has been put into a genuine desire to
successfully inspire, educate and empower people, continues to be felt each
day, but it stood out for the first time on my One-on-one with Timo. A space to
share thoughts and stories, ideas on how Rancho can improve our experience here
and time to get to know one another. Really admired the way that Timo
communicated his and the coreteam’s request of me not being topless, just one
of the many moments where Timo makes me reflect on the “art of compromise”. I
could recognize his desire to be respectful of the established culture where he
is a newcomer and of the absurdity of sexualizing a female’s breast, and the
self-awareness of knowing his own boundaries to stress.
The gratitude and awe was very overwhelming and I found
myself questioning my own worthiness of such amazing place and people, just
like when I got the spot last year. It was very special sharing this with Mateo
as well; how we don’t expect the best things of life to become reality; that
those things don’t come easily or we hope for them to happen but find it naïve
to believe that it actually will. That combined with my insecurities and desire
to be likeable, made me feel super intimidated by the core team. Especially
Timo, who is by all the people I’ve ever communicated with probably the most
difficult person to read, and at the same time the one who seems to me like the
most wise, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, intelligent and much more person
I’ve ever met. I respect and admire him, and his impression of me felt meaningful.
It became important to me to be part of a harmonious
community. I recognized how much energy the core team use on being social,
managing people, employees, guests, students, apps, and all their areas around
the Ranch, how many times they had to answer the same questions with new people
coming in and out all the time. So to balance my reliance on them, I would ask
myself before asking them what will I do with this information? Why am I asking
this/Can I figure it out on my own? Finding a balance between asking for needed
help and to just simply be informed.
During the time with the Arie students here I really
improved my ultimate frisbee game, and also began to embrace my youthfulness,
with all its insecurities, lack of wisdom and fuck-ups. Finding peace in all of
it, while still aspiring to become as wise as Timo and loving as Danni, I was
enjoying the experience to become that. Shared a beautiful evening with the
best of the Arie guys under the stars, and as all of us opened our hearts we
discovered how much we were alike. Their perception of me, was exactly how I
wanted to be perceived, super confident and ‘I got it all figured out’-kinda
person, and as I shared my insecurities and fears that bubble popped, and it
was a warming affirmation, for all of us I think, that the human experience is
pretty much the same, just with different stories.
My relationship to nature grew every day, surrounded by
jungle throughout the whole day, so many sounds and sights of birds, animals,
insects and plants. I remember picking up Hope For The Flowers, mainly because
it caught my eye with its yellow cover, but it was my desire to know more about
nature and understand how others relate and how they pass that on to children
that made me read that book. And that serendipitous moment when Al (who I felt
big attraction too) is a good friend of the author and wrote a song for the
book, you know it just felt like another moment where life is singing for me, “you
go girl!” - along with that night where
we went to the river at night to listen to frogs.
Felt so blessed to for the group, how I could share so much
with such different and unique personalities, and how well we all worked
together. We were all motivating each other to grow in skills and knowledge, as
well as more loving and happy people, I remember during our first meetings how
Anthony shared his request for us to be more considerate of how we conversate,
and invited us to listen more actively and reminding us that its more important
to listen than to respond . I could see myself in one’s ways of practicality
and spirituality; in one’s sillines and sexuality; with one energetically and
sensitivity; in one’s straight-forwardness and organized’ness; in one’s
philosophical, observative, calm and groovy vibe; and a last one’s light and
rhythmic energy. My community contribution skill was wood, and I cherish those
mornings in the beginning where we would all sit in by the main house hammocks
reading in the soft morning light, with the water flowing from the humidity and
our coffee mugs.
I felt more confident in holding space for healing, sharing
my massage with Mateo, Anthony, Robin and Amanda from the Natural Building
course. Connecting with Amanda strengthened my belief of the universe as not
separate from people, and life as magical – receiving her reiki healing was
truly healing. Drawing + missing phil
Personally
- - Follow through in every task
- - Be true to you
- - Self-affirmation
- - Spanish; count 1-30; verbs –ar,-er, ir; Smells wonderfull = rico
- - Ask for blessing rather than forgiveness
- - Enjoy the messy, confused, insecurities of youth – all through life
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